Heart-piece

The day got off to a very lazy start, as he shed off the last shreds of the tearing nightmare he'd been sleeping on, and with a shaky head, stepped out of his bed, and got into his routine of getting ready for the day ahead. It was blistering hot outside, and it seemed to him that even the Sun was a part of the conspiracy that the entire universe was busy hatching against him. The breeze around could well replace a blow-drier with its immense heat. A mangled mind, sultry weather, the boredom of doing nothing, a weak heart- the ingredients of the most dismal concoction that could exist at that moment on the surface of earth. As he went ahead to meet his friends, just to make the time machinery work fast on the day at hand, he was very conscious of the smile he had to wear on his face. Nothing it seemed could turn around the tide of events that were taking place so randomly in his life, his surf board was almost under the ocean of water, and drowning was imminent. There he stood lost in his own thoughts, when a random noise made him look up. He looked up into a sight he had beheld for so many days now, the sight that made his heart beat a billion times faster, the most beautiful portrait he'd ever seen, the smile that could brighten the dullest of colors. As she walked with her hair worn loose, without a string to strangle the life out of them, all the premonitions housed in his mind lost their footing. The air which had seemed so prickly earlier now was a gentle breeze playing with the loose hair, the sun that had seemed so harsh, was now lost in the oblivion of the dazzling smile. It was as though even the harshest of the universe's evils were not able to seep through her tender beauty, they just faded into their own insignificance. The mind was cleared of its negativity, and it was a moment that made life look positive in every sense of the word to him. It was in this moment that he believed in hope once again, he trusted God once more because his angel was in front of his eyes, it was in this moment that he forgot every other feeling that could exist. The surf-board was back on the surface, the rising ocean tide was receding, the ugly world was turning into a gorgeous master-piece. It was the moment when he saw and felt what love was.

Another walk into the wilderness...

The biggest problem of being human is the capability to think that has been given to us by God, or by nature, whatever you want to believe in. Thinking as a package, has both positive and negative effects, but the problem is that we are affected mostly by the negative side of this 'gift'.

As I walked down the street once again this evening, I was struck by this preposterous gift almost immediately the moment I looked up into the sky. Nature has always fascinated me, just like a huge majority of us humans, and just a moment of losing myself to it seems like an eternity of penance for a thousand sins I might've committed.

I look toward the moon and the stars almost everytime I go out for a walk, but today as I sought to enchant my soul with the mesmerizations of the infinite, I lost myself amidst the scatter of the stars. This was when the demon of the God-gifted entity that I am, struck me.

I was serenaded by the little bombshells this demon catapults, commonly known as thoughts. The light of one single star caught my attention. It was a bright little star, but it seemed inconspicuous most of the time because it was just some way off a constellation of its fellow beings, that absorbed most of the attention that was given in that direction.

I wondered how happily, or sadly that star was lost in its own insignificance. It was as though destiny had played a game with that star, seperating it from the constellation and yet keeping it just so far that it could not deem it's own significance. Maybe that star too would have done something wrong, that it seemed to be happy in this oblivion, or maybe, it was just a pretentious star. The star could not still cease to shine. It was made by nature to shine, so it had to shine, keeping the ignorance of all the other significant stars and also of the demi-god of the night, the moon, at bay. They hardly noticed the loneliness of this star, too busy grabbing all the attention themselves.

All these questions enacted by my brain were testimony to the betrothal of this star to my own entity at that particular time, one lost in a sea of stars, while the other lost in a jungle of human beings. Both seeking attention in their own ways, but both fading out into a wider oblivion. While I walk just to kill my loneliness trying to lose myself within this whirlpool of people, the star shines just as beautifully as it can, to undo its loneliness.

But maybe, it does not shine to try to get rid of its oblivion and just shines gratefully for the fact that it merely exists. Maybe, it does not loathe all it's fellow celestial bodies for pushing it into oblivion, and rather shines with the humility of being present right there, by their side. It gets its own moments of attention when people like me look at it and wonder why it shines. So, it shines with hope, enthralling one and all who look at it, making them realize that their moment in the limelight will come, they just have to keep shining with their deeds. Someone or the other will realize the light they reflect to brighten the path of life of that someone who seems to be oblivious at that moment in time.

This is the reason why I love walking so much. Every time I discover a new person in myself, someone who hasn't lost his hope, hasn't given in to the indifference of the people, and every time I end up thanking the nature and the god-gifted demon I possess. Yet, I call it a demon, because it possesses the capability to flood the mind with fear, and also to give the most beautiful of nature's creations like the stars the souls of human beings, making it possible for them to hate, loathe, mistrust, and expect.

The final act....

There he was on the center stage,

one last time.

He was conscious of the huge audience,

just like his first stage appearance.

The legs still didn't miss a tremble,

every time he had to face them.

Hundreds of eyes focused on his every movement,

one step wrong and they would devour him with their laughter.

The first dialogue still came with a stutter,

yet increased his confidence manifold.

He was playing the part of a melancholy man,

a man who had lost everything his life had stood for.

It should have been just another day in the office,

he had done plenty of roles of a similar type.

Yet, something was different this time round,

he could just feel it was not the same.

He was going to miss the stage,

the stares, the laughter, the applause.

He was going to miss the drama,

the lights, the music, the emotion.

The dialogues soaked with his sadness,

the expression made stronger by his emotion.

And as he spoke the last dialogue before the curtain came down,

he did not want to give into his heavy heart.

Yet, the next moment he was crying his heart out,

as the audience was standing in applause, shouting for an encore.

Fear

Fear is...

When you are trying to run away n all you can come up against are dead-end alleys,

Fear is...

When your face is fully submerged in a bucket full of water n won't come out despite your best efforts,

Fear is...

When you close your eyes to sleep n get up after a few minutes with sweat all over your face,

Fear is...

When you try to eat something but vomit everything right after,

Fear is...

When you are trapped in a room as big as you are with no windows,

Fear is...

When all your life appears a question mark cause of one moment that went terribly wrong,

Fear is...

When you are tied up in knots n the more you try to free yourself the more you get entangled,

Fear is...

When you see the person you want the most walking away from you and as you try to run after your legs just won't work,

Fear is...

When you are standing on the roof of a multi-storeyed building and your best friend gives you a push
Fear is...

When running is cowardice, thinking is out of the question and tears are natural.....

Thinking...

As I sit in front of my computer, sipping coffee and trying to concentrate on what I'm typing, my mind's drifting away, enveloped by a cloud of thoughts. Tried as hard as I have to control it, I finally came to the conclusion that the mind functions on completely its own terms. You can try to curb its instinct, but in the long run that really affects you even worse than it ought to. The best you can do is find a reason for every single thought that occurs, which results in even more thinking. So, the mind embraces you into a vicious circle by the simple process of generating a thought that's so strange even to your own self, that you need to find a reason for the mere existence of that thought. The implication being that you can never let yourselves live a simple life. It just seems converse to the very nature of human beings that they live a life full of simplicity, without being worried about one thing or the other. Every single droplet you try to maraud from the cloud surrounding you, leads to another one and another one, the end result being that you start drowning in the flood by the time you're done.

To every problem you face, you find a separate myriad of these evil cronies, waiting to be sighted by the bright lights of your mind. Searching for a solution as you are, you find yourselves indebted to doubts and consequences that earlier did not show a sign of their presence. The problem gets even more complex than it seemed initially, and then you have to resort to crisis control, wherein you try to find that one thought that simply seems to suit you the best. This task is not the simplest of them all, and yet when it is somehow accomplished with more strain on your brain, you seem to have found some sort of a solution, or so you hope. Then comes another added characteristic to your hope, stubbornness. Once you make up your mind on the path to follow, no one's better sense could prevail upon you to abandon the path you've chosen, until and unless that person somehow convinces you he's God( in some cases that still might not be enough though). If the path you choose does lead to even a part of the problem being solved, you pride yourself on the choice you made, but when it leads to another problem because of its outcome, or worse still, it makes the original problem more profound, you just end up damaging your own psyche, and criticize your stubornness in hindsight. Ironically, the droplet of hope and direction you were trying to find is what leaves you high and dry in the desert of life, while another new cloud starts meandering overhead.

Thinking it seems is hazardous more often than never, and when you've nothing else to do, you find some existent or non-existent problem in your life, and let this hazard damage it to an extent that you're living with both the problem and the scar this procedure leaves on your mind. To still think of it, Thinking was supposed to be a gift that separated the human race from all other species. And here I am, sitting and thinking about 'Thinking' . Strange, but true. As someone rightly said 'An idle mind is the Devil's Workshop'.

The True Love...

That day she was waiting at the same place she had met him a few months ago.

She still vividly remembered the day she’d actually met him the first time, inspite of being aware of his presence, as she was sure he was of hers, for the better part of more than two years. Waiting there, sitting on those steps, as was a routine habit for her now for some time, the thoughts of these past few months slowly drifted into Aloya’s mind.

The first time they met, she’d been very hesitant. It was not her fault that time too, the past one year had been a torrid one for Aloya. It had taught her that trust was a mere formality that existed with the time bound stipulation of being broken ruthlessly. It had shown her things she had hoped were only meant for nightmares, which should have just been a part of wicked folklore. She had let herself drown in the ocean of love, giving it her all mentally and emotionally. It had all gone well for a few months, and then the effect of the love drug began to wear off. She desperately tried to hold on to the tattering mast as the sail of her love went into rough waters, but her fantasy world just fell apart one day when her love, her supposed true love, just dumped her feelings for a more pretty face. The ordeal left her mentally scarred and emotionally tarnished to the extent that she’d often start crying when loneliness struck her, and what remained in her head was the big question mark about what love actually was. Aloya had forgotten to smile, she’d forgotten to enjoy, and she’s forgotten to speak. It was as though the whole world had left her alone in the middle of nowhere, and there were just empty spaces all around. Love had taught her to be remorseful, to dislike everything, to mistrust everyone. She wondered if this was the love about which legends were made. Life felt like a sugar-coated poison to her. That day she was brooding over her past and was lost in her thoughts, when a sudden prod made her come back into the present, and she turned around to see Suleiman. She didn’t know how long he’d been there watching her cry, nor did she know how to react as he started the conversation. She could just start with a jittery hello, but as though Suleiman knew exactly what she was feeling, he tried to lighten up her mood by joking around. Though hesitant, she sat there and just listened to him that day, speaking rarely herself. In the next few days she surprised her own self by going to those steps at the same time everyday, and though still lost in her own thoughts, she would wait for Suleiman to come and take off her load by talking to her. It was in these few days that Aloya started talking again. She would talk about anything and everything, but still would not say a thing about herself, and Suleiman would not force her to either. As the meetings started growing into a routine habit, Aloya gradually revealed her story, the care and warmth in Suleiman’s eyes acting as the perfect fuel. He listened to everything she had to say very patiently, and made her realize things she was missing out. He made her realize how truthful and sincere she’d been in her relationship, how it was none of her fault that it did not work out. He would find a reason to make her smile all the time, which had been a dormant expression on her face for some time now.

Slowly and surely, life was coming back to Aloya. It was like the oxygen mask being put onto a patient’s face who’s struggling to breathe. Suleiman’s caring and understanding nature had overcome her wariness. It was a friendship she was starting to cherish. She started re-discovering who she actually was through their friendship, and of all hopes she’d ever had, the strongest one was that this friendship would go the distance. It took her a couple of months or maybe even more to come out of her slumber of moroseness to an extent that it hardly bothered her any more, because she’d got a much more beautiful friendship to look forward to.

Life was going on wonderfully for a change, when Aloya saw the glint of sadness in Suleiman’s eyes for the first time. It made her feel guilty, because surprisingly even to herself, she realized that she knew nothing about Suleiman, his past, or, his present, and had yet managed to bare her soul. When she asked about his life, Suleiman would recall all the happy moments in his life but would not give her a reason to believe that he was sad. Aloya thought that maybe he needed some time on his own, and did not pursue the matter for some time to come. In the coming time, the glint did not go, and yet the reasons would not come. This made Aloya more and more restless to uncover the truth behind his sadness. As she continued to ask him about his troubles more and more often, Suleiman started becoming impatient and gradually came to the point of ignoring her altogether.

 Aloya was starting to learn a new lesson in the difficult course called Life. She realized that it was not just necessary to get care to feel happy, it was also equally important to care for that person. She realized that no matter how hard she tried, Suleiman was not going to give her an opportunity to do this. It was as though he had deliberately bound himself within an invisible cloak. He was capable of making her smile from within the cloak, he could bind her with himself within the cloak when he needed to protect her, but when any concern about his own problems propped up, he would just tighten the cloak around himself and would not allow any room for anyone else. As time went on, Aloya would wait for Suleiman on these steps, where he taught her how to smile again, where he cared for her, and where he bound himself into the cloak so tightly that it seemed he’d prefer suffocating himself than letting out his problems. He started meeting her lesser and lesser, as though he were afraid that he would lose his cloak to those tender probing eyes of Aloya.

The turn of events bothered Aloya. It seemed to her that life had come a full circle. She had gone from being helpless, to being happy and joyful, to being helpless all over again.

She wanted to finish Suleiman’s fears like he had finished hers, she wanted to care for him like she had for nobody else, she wanted to show him how beautiful the world was within their friendship. She could just dream of doing these things because she realized that he did not desire any of it, and even if he did, he just could not get the strength to tell her his own troubles and ask for it. Aloya was returning to her days of sadness because she knew she had befriended a person who could give her all the care and happiness in the world, but would still leave her sad because he wouldn’t let her care for him. The glisten of sadness in Suleiman’s eye could well turn into the glimmer of a tear, and yet Aloya would not be able to help him out.

It depressed Aloya to be aware of the fact that she made him bind himself within the cloak by asking him about his troubles as though he thought of her as interfering in his life. Maybe, it was because he didn’t want to burden her and make her sad with his own troubles, but then isn’t friendship all about sharing yourself, happy or sad??

As she was waiting on those steps that fateful day, all these thoughts flooded Aloya’s mind. She hated herself from that moment onwards. She hated herself for turning a caring person into a cloaked statue, for trying to interfere in Suleiman’s life. She hated herself because she could not bring happiness into the life of the person who taught her to smile again, for making him even more miserable by asking him about his troubles again and again. If he was more happy being within the cloak all by himself, she had no right of compelling him to come out of it and hence, make him sadder.

She had no right of getting involved at all in his life, and was guilty of doing so.

She had no right of making him sad and depressed, in return for the care and happiness Suleiman had given to her. She had no right of desiring him so badly. She had no right of…loving him. Aloya realized she’d finally found out what love actually was. It was on those very steps itself, where Aloya had got a new lease of life once, that she now got the death of her most beautiful friendship to endure. Yet, she was sure the love would live on. It was ironical that as she got up to leave, the first drop of rain and her first tear hit her palm at the same instant.

Aloya never returned to those steps ever again.

 

The beautiful world...

The Moon was shining beautifully, the stars gleaming with all their might, but still there was something amiss, the silence all around was of a different kind.

It's strange how you see the world as you want it to be, or rather as your heart is feeling at that particular moment. As the wind gently struck my face, I got the feeling that it was heavy and damp, but yet so subtle. It was as though it had to maintain it's composure just so that the beauty of the moon and the stars wouldn't be compromised. The pain was all hidden and made the air heavy. It was laden with rain, yet it could not shower it's tears. It was as though nature was living my tale, enduring my fate and was destined to this obscurity.

 My life's been full of ups and downs, but so has been everybody else's I guess. Everyone has their share of joy and their share of pain, yet the other person's pain cake will always seem smaller as compared to your own. It's stupid to show your tears and spoil somebody else's sheen, by making that person known to the world worse than he or she ought to be. It's better to believe that there has to be some kind of misconception on your part, or maybe the other person just had to do what he or she did cause of being in a helpless situation,  than thinking that the person did wrong to you or is doing wrong to you just because of selfish reasons, maybe because you're not good enough. Somewhere though, a thought still haunts me. It asks me what I did wrong to get what I did, and what I'm doing wrong to deserve what I'm getting. It asks me that why don't I deserve a fresh start in life, why every other person is oblivious to the fact that I can start anew. It asks me about what I've got in life by being the good person that I'm dubbed to be, that if good people are few and I'm one of them, why do I end up as just another person for everyone else. The thought is a dangerous one, it impregnates the mind with fear, yet I cease to cry, because I'd hate to see my world lose it's sheen through my tears.

Why I Write...

I don't write cause i have to, i don't write cause i should, i don't write cause i need to, i just write cause i feel like it... I'm not a writer by profession, i'm not a writer by decision, i'm not a writer by compulsion, i'm not a writer by any means, but i just write what my thoughts ask me to.. Half of u don't want to read it, many of u don't like to read it, some of u don't even think bout readin it, yet i send it to u cause i wanna share my thoughts with u n i'm sorry if i force u into readin somethin u don't wanna read...

Abstract....

It started like a dream. It had to. Everything in this world starts the same way. It is like living in a city, having no roads, covered entirely in water. To commute from one place to another, you have to jump into the water, and only after you are in the water, can you make out how deep it is. The dream could pretty well turn out to be a nightmare, but to know whether it is one or not, you have to continue living the dream. Yet, this time something was different. There was a change somewhere, somehow, and although it could not be seen, I could feel it everywhere around me. The change could be good, or it could be bad, yet what it gave at this moment was hope. Hope is a peculiar thing. Hopes can die, they can cease to exist as suddenly as they appear, but still whilst they live, they fill you with a sense of optimism and security that is hard to find elsewhere.

Deserted..

I'm standing in the middle of this desert, searching for any sign of life, all hope that I ever had, being thwarted by the dusty wind very very slowly, an inch at a time. It's as though nature is playing a game, enjoying to see me being helpless so much that she's vowed to make me more and more helpless with every passing second. I search all around, looking for a sip of water to quench my ever growing thirst, that slowly rises to a new level, and finally gives way to fear.

I want to drink water and give a new lease to my thirsty throat, I want to breathe fresh air that isn't impregnated with sand, I want to talk to someone and find a companion for my journey, yet I'm doomed it seems to the loneliness of this desert, the thirst of my desire not meant to be quenched, no oasis to be found anywhere on the horizon, and I'm overcome by fear.

The fear of dying here, in the middle of this huge desert, inconspicuous to the entire world, ready to be lost within the arms of the desert, just another ordinary lonely grain of sand with the thought of a mirage of expectations, that ceases to exist.

Destiny...

We climb and stumble over the mountains of sadness to find the road of happiness and joy, only to discover that the road is too short and leads to another vast landscape that is filled with the quicksand of sadness, and now, we are too exasperated to fight it out all over again. So, the search which began with a determined mindset is lost in between, with all hopes being shattered, but yet it gives us a new beginning, a new thought, a new belief- the enigma known as Destiny. We never tend to believe in this dimension of life, until and unless we are forced to do so by our own life itself. It's amazing how you crave for something so much when it's gone, after touching your life in a way which you tend to realize only after it's gone. I want the care, the love, the belonging I once got so used to. I want everything back. I want to find a long highway of joy, but I'm stuck in this quicksand, which is nothing other than my own tears!!!